We live in dark times, don’t you think? It takes us a second to believe that we are actually alone. But, sometimes life teaches us that, in fact, we are not alone. We are our own hope, when everything loses its charm. And when you hit rock bottom, if you cannot make yourself see that, there will be someone who will make you see that for good. A guardian angel of sorts. I had six. Yes, six guardian angels.  For obvious reasons, this is a rare lesson and is often accompanied by a lot of pain. 

In this small chapter of my life that I share with you today, I have learned, a lot of it was just my mistake. I kept my faith in someone who didn’t deserve it. And let go of the people who had loved me with all their heart. I chose someone who only wanted to be cold and led me to believe that emotions, specifically, my emotions are somewhere wrong. Well, he is a buried chapter, so we do not need to go there. I didn’t talk about what I was going through with anyone, which was where I think I went wrong. 

Today, as I sit back and reflect, what life has been for the past two years, I only feel grateful. But a little context first. I am someone who finds herself deeply rooted in her emotions. I don’t believe our emotions can make us weak. Being able to feel, makes each one of us unique.

We all have heard of the phrase that when things go wrong, they completely go wrong. One after the other. Like a pack of cards, your world can collapse at any given minute and then it’s up to you what you want to do. Basic choices – Will you give up or will you not give up?  

Two years back, I got sick. The details don’t matter much. But not a single thing was going to be the same again.  I was confined to my bed, mostly. To my room, mostly. To myself, mostly. To my thoughts, mostly. Everything before this had become a blur. Everything that was yet to come, was on me. 

But don’t scroll away yet. I was feeling lost, yes. I had isolated myself as much as I could have. I know that was the most stupid move ever. But as I said, the faith was still in the wrong person. And slowly and gradually, I stopped talking.  It was like I was stuck and the world was moving on, and I was losing precious time which will never come back. A race where I felt I had already lost – be it my personal life or my career. It was a low point. So much so that, when I managed to drag myself out of this loop, at least career wise, I just didn’t know how to be around people anymore. My silence had become my best friend. 

Life had its plans though. I joined this organisation that I still work with. For someone who had almost given up on being kind to her own self, I was blessed with a team of women, who are today no less than my family. All of them are different from each other but what tied them together was their beautiful hearts that only knew love, care and warmth. Without any judgement, without any question. This is where I learned how easy it is to be kind, to yourself, to everyone around you. I am not sure if I ever thanked them properly. Though there are days when I randomly tell them how much I love them.

When I met them, I was limping most of the time, I fumbled and sentences were hard to come by. They didn’t know me. And in my head, they didn’t have to be nice to me. They loved me nonetheless and never, even for one second, let me give up on myself. No matter how difficult the day was. This was my workplace. That faith in myself that I can achieve anything that I want, that the world is my canvas, that faith that I thought I had lost, they made me see that it was walking behind me all along trying to catch up. I just have to pause for a moment, and let that sink in. 

They inspired me then, they inspire me today and they will continue to inspire me for the rest of my life. And for them, I am grateful. It’s true, we cannot understand each other’s pain entirely every time, but together, we can make each other grow, we can rely on each other and face everything that life throws at us – the good, the bad and the ugly. 

Anubha Jain, 28, is an alumnus of NID Ahmedabad. A filmmaker by degree, she lives in a world of narratives, characters and books. A visual designer by profession, Anubha is an illustrator by heart finding strength in her emotional self.