I apologize for this post in advance. Most people may not want to hear this. 

These are grim times. Probably, the grimmest we have ever experienced as a community. We are looking for distractions to escape reality during such days, find joy in little things, and STAY POSITIVE. 

So, I apologize for this post. But, this is something most people need to hear.

I woke up this morning with uninvited news of the untimely demise of a distant relative. Reason? COVID-19. She was in her forties, with a teenage daughter still in school. Her mother (in her sixties) is still hospitalised, clueless to the cruel reality that her daughter does not exist in the physical form anymore. That her daughter is just a loving memory.

It’s one of the many tragic stories in the last month that have flooded the news and social media. One of the many stories that I came across & ignored and tried focussing on “Positive Vibes”. Today, only after “death” crept into my close circle, I realised that there’s NOT always a bright side to look at. 

Where is the bright side for the teenage girl, who could not even see her mother for one last time; not even on video? What will you tell her- “Be grateful, your father is still here”? Or “stay positive, at least you spent 16 long years with your mother”. What will you tell the mother who doesn’t know her daughter is no more? “Be content, at least your daughter is not in pain now”? 

For once, let’s not stay positive. We must address the negativity in too much positivity. It’s time we talk about TOXIC POSITIVITY.

Toxic Positivity is the excessive and ineffective overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state across all situations. The process of toxic positivity results in the denial, minimization, and invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience.*

In other words, when we discourage people from expressing their grief, anger or frustration, by telling them to ‘stay positive’ or ‘look at the bright side’, we deprive them of the authentic support that they need to face the situation. 

Today, as the world is engulfed in the most tragic disaster it has ever witnessed, there are way too many posts and people preaching about the “joy of little things”, “gratefulness” and “good vibes only”. Way too many people remind others every day that “it could have been worse”.

Well, guess what! It is worse, the worst, in fact. For parents who lost their young children. For little kids, who lost both their parents within hours and will now be addressed as ‘orphans’ for the rest of their lives, if they manage to get a decent one at all. For the young man who sang a song one last time to his dying mother on video. For the doctors & nurses who lost their lives serving patients, and others who committed suicide given the heart-wrenching situation. For crematorium workers who can’t even afford a PPE kit. For the daughter who stood in a queue for hours together to get an oxygen cylinder for her father, only to return to a lifeless body. For the poor people, the maids, the labourers who lost their job, and don’t have food in their kitchens anymore. 

Unfortunately, the list goes on. 

Where is their silver lining? There is none. Not right now, at least. Not for some years. So, let’s not rob them of their right to embrace their grief by forcing them to see one. (Not that we intend to). For just this once, let’s focus on the reality, their reality. Let’s just be there for them by listening. Let’s honour their anguish, agony and anger by letting them feel it. 

Allow them to find comfort in negativity, till they find the little joys of life again. 

At the same time, it is also important that we don’t become negative nancies. Each one of us is entitled to find our own moments of sanity amidst the craziness of the pandemic, be it Netflix, music, cooking, stand up comedies, makeup or whatever else that makes us feel a little better. It is, obviously, okay (maybe even advisable) to take a break from reality, from the grimness of the world and be in our bubble a short while. 

But once the break is over, my only request is to see things for what they truly are. To see the whole picture, NOT just the bright side, and hope for the world to heal. 

*Definition of Toxic Positivity by https://thepsychologygroup.com/toxic-positivity/